2:15 am and I am ripping my skin up instead of sleeping. I am so awake it’s ridiculous. If i fall asleep right now I can have four and a half hours before I have to get up for work, but that’s not going to happen.
How do you guys deal with the sleeplessness? I’ve never had it so frequently until now and I honestly just don’t know what to do with the hours. Think I might curl my hair before I try to sleep again. At least I’ll wake up with good hair.
March. That was quick.
I had a good weekend, it was full of delicious food that was bad for me, good places I hadn’t been for a few years, and people I love.
Work has been good. Getting my hands dirty on a range of projects, some of which were using software I had no idea how to use. Half the time I was really just trying out whichever buttons looked the most like what I wanted. Despite that they turned out ok and I learnt a few tricks via googling while I worked.
It’s a quieter week in freelance work and I’m grateful. Coming home from work and facing another few hours nutting out problems is rewarding but exhausting.
Having said that I spent my entire last freelance pay on two pairs of shoes, completely forgetting that the $US to $AUD conversion was now so shit. I thought I would have to fork out $40 bucks on top of the pay, but it turned out to be more like $80. Still, that’s almost like paying $80 for two pairs of shoes which is quite reasonable. Freelance money doesn’t feel like real money and I am completely ok with spending it all immediately.
My skin is not so great. It’s a constant battle of temperature, moisturiser and self control. I wake up dry and flaky every morning. I have to oil my skin down just to move without feeling like I’m stuck in a body suit 2 sizes too small for me. I drive east facing the sun for an hour and a half to get to work and my arms and chest warm up and itch and I resist until I can’t, then I’m ripping my arms to shreds with my nails. I turn the air con up and slather on a heavy emollient but within minutes I’m scratching them again. Through the day at work if I’m not completely focused on something I’ll start scratching again. My legs are the worst at the moment, rashy, broken skin all over my shins and behind my knees, my thighs. I scratch through my jeans so hard my nails are splitting. When I get home the first thing I do is get out of my jeans and scratch myself into a trance. If you don’t have eczema/tsw you have no idea how good it feels. I don’t know if it’s a response to the pain with endorphins or whatever but it’s fucking orgasmic - and I regret it every time. Every night I do it my skin gets a little worse, and I’ve easily had terrible skin on my legs for over a month now. I’m trying to stop. I’m trying to moisturise and cover my legs as soon as I get home. I’m trying to ice them and keep my hands busy and go and do something, eat something, make something instead. It’s not working.
I don’t know why it took me so long but I realised a few weeks ago that I have a high pain tolerance because of my skin. I was always the kid in school that thought needles were ok, and back in my going out days I was always the one still in my heels at 3am. I don’t think piercings hurt too much, I don’t know about tattoos yet. Despite that I still procrastinate about taking a shower now. Showers hurt. Any sort of water on my skin stings like fuck. I mentally prepare myself as I get in the shower and it still makes me bite my lip as the water hits my skin.
I don’t even have it that bad. All you people doing TSW out there in the rough stages of broken burning skin are amazing. Fuck this tsw shit. I hope you’re all doing better.